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Josh Misner, PhD

Mindful Living in a Distracted World

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The Gift of Presence

Day 7 Recap – Story Time!



Today, I told my children a story, but not like the one from yesterday.  Instead of reading a book that someone else wrote, I told them a story from the pages of my own childhood.

As we made the video for my Day 6 recap, I started recollecting a fond memory from my younger days.  When I was around 12 or 13, there was a video rental store about a few miles from my house that rented out video cameras in addition to movies.  Yes, the VHS camcorders, with the big fuzzy microphones, looking more like a rocket launcher than an electronic device:


A friend and I, on at least a few occasions, pooled our collective allowance money together and rented one of these beasts so that we could make movies of our own.  We would write scripts, create storyboards, and spend an entire weekend putting together epic tales of haunted houses, ghost puppies, and even the occasional improv newscast, reminiscent of an amateur Ron Burgundy.

Truth was, we didn’t have a clue what we were doing, but we had the time of our lives pretending we did.  Often, we believed that our skill might land us a spot on America’s Funniest Home Videos, but sadly, that dream fizzled and never quite materialized.

As I recounted these stories to my children, their eyes lit up.  I could see them thinking about how they might do the same thing.  My daughter even asked if I would help her make a movie of her own.  Eventually, we would go on to try our hand at stop-motion animation of a Star Wars based father-child scene, where Vader teaches a young stormtrooper how to ride a bicycle.

The importance of sharing these stories cannot be overstated.  Sharing these stories with our children helps them to see that we were once young ourselves, and that we have not always been parents.  It helps them realize that we understand what childhood is like, but at the same time, it helps us, as parents, remember what our children are going through.  In that sense, this art of storytelling develops a mutual sense of empathy.

One of the lesser side effects is that these stories may eventually find their way to our children’s dinner tables, decades down the road, as they share these tales with their children.  Of course, they may be embellished and exaggerated, but then again…

…that’s how legends are born.


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Day 6 – Spending Time Reading

Many years ago, when my children were much younger, I started a tradition of reading with them every night before bed.  I will admit, it started more as a chore to instill a love of reading in my kids, but after a while, it became a performance art.  We would read books like the Dr. Seuss classics, Green Eggs and Ham or Fox in Socks, all while getting into character voices and standing up, acting out various scenes.

I remember one night, one of my children picked up Henny Penny, a classic tale about a frightened hen who believes the sky is falling.  As such, it is her duty to go and tell the king.  Along the way, she meets several other animal characters, picking them up for her journey.  

This particular story provided the opportunity to change up my voice, borrowing from British television, Julia Childs, Sean Connery, Jack Nicholson, and Jack’s character from the TV show, Will & Grace.  Pretty soon, we were adding more and more to the reading of this simple tale, and ever since, it has become a family tradition.  My kids, even the teenaged ones, know that we are in for a good time when Henny Penny is on the schedule for the night.

I couldn’t think of a better way to spend Day 6 of The 12 Days of Fatherhood than to record a reading with my two youngest children, so that later on, when I am not around, they will still have this memory to revisit.

Enjoy!






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Day 5 Recap – Listening

In my original post on The 12 Days of Fatherhood, I suggested that, for the fifth day, we provide not five golden rings, but instead, this:

Ask your children what they did that day, but then listen as though it was the most important thing you have ever heard. Ask questions, show interest, and just listen deeply.

…and that’s exactly what I did.  As soon as the children were getting ready to eat their dinner, I sat down with them and asked each of them, in turn, to tell me about their day.  Normally, when I say, “How was your day,” they respond with, “Meh, okay.”  Then I usually ask, “What did you do,” to which they answer, “Oh, stuff…”

Somehow, buried within the way that I asked them tonight, was mindful intent.  Instead of going through the motions, they were able to tell that I truly wanted to know about what they did today.

What they did in return shocked me.  

They told me.

In glorious detail and storytelling fashion, they took turns recounting the events of their days, right down to what assignments they worked on, who they played with, and what they liked or didn’t like.  I ended up with more information about today’s series of events for my children than I think I ever have cumulatively in their young lives.

Also of interest, as they told their stories, I noticed a serene calm wash over their normally hyperactive selves.  Instead of jumping around, interrupting one another, and competing for attention, they simply sat and listened while the other would talk, still and calm.

Another observation is that they began to exhibit what we call in nonverbal communication studies, interactional synchrony.  This is a fancy way of stating that we mirrored one another’s gestures, body postures, and facial expressions, which is a behavior that signals positive sentiment toward interaction.

From my end, I found it difficult.  My attention span wanted to wander.  I wanted to go check my email or find something to eat or even just pace around the room for some unknown reason.  However, I kept reminding myself, what would my memory of this conversation be like in the future if, god forbid, I lost them tomorrow?  

Reminding ourselves of the fleeting nature of our own mortality is not necessarily being morose.  Sometimes it is the jolt we need to function as a mindfully present, intentional human being. 

Now is all we have, so enjoy it and savor every word.

 

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Day 4 – Family Dinner

In my original 12 Days of Fatherhood post, I mentioned that Day 4 should go as follows:

Have dinner together. Bring your children into the process of making the dinner, as much as safely possible, and then eat together at your table (or couch, if you don’t have a table). No TV, no phone, no tablets, no computers – just you, your family, and conversation.

In following my own plan, I asked the kids yesterday what they wanted for dinner.  As I mentioned in another post, the purpose of allowing children to have a stake in decisions is to foster a sense of initiative, which can later develop into a sense of purpose and a better understanding of their individual role in the family.  

So, what did they choose?  A family favorite, creamed eggs.  This recipe is a staple of every holiday breakfast, but also makes for one heck of a gut-warming (and filling) comfort dinner on a cold Northwest winter’s evening.

The recipe is surprisingly simple: Continue reading “Day 4 – Family Dinner” →

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Day 3: Sharing Our Gratitude

There will be no images today, no witty short-attention-span-videos from Vine to share, and no memes extolling the virtues of parenting.

Today’s task was in the heartfelt expression of appreciation for my children.

I’m a big believer and proponent of gratitude lists.  By starting each and every day with listing things that I am grateful for at that moment, it changes my perspective and forces me to think critically about what is right with my life, rather than what may be lacking.

Today, however, that was turned around.  I wasn’t just writing about what I am grateful for, but what I am grateful to experience as a result of being my children’s father.  It took me a whopping 10 minutes to hand write three different lists of 10 things I appreciate about each of my children who are still living at home.

10 minutes.  In that amount of time, I could have gotten a refill on my coffee.  In that amount of time, I could have popped a bag of popcorn for lunch.  In that amount of time, I could have done at least a hundred other menial tasks that have no bearing on the meaning I ascribe to my existence, but today, I chose to do otherwise.

Shortly after my kids came home from school, I pulled them aside individually and read them the lists, one-by-one.  For my youngest daughter, one item included her dimples, at which point, she smiled, letting them shine.  Another item included her hugs at the perfect moment, at which point, she proved me right, squeezing me tightly.  As I read my youngest son’s list to him, I started noticing a trend…

For each item I expressed gratitude, my children enacted that very item.  My son even asked if I would read his to him again, at which point, he re-enacted them all again.

The best part?  My youngest daughter, later this evening, created her own list of 10 things to share with her mother, who was having a particularly rough day and needed to hear just how much she is loved and appreciated.  Then, my wife turned and created her own lists in return for each of them.

Mother Teresa once said, “I have found the paradox; that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.”  I think she was onto something with this.  As we express our appreciation, it invites others into relationship with us, encouraging further behavior for which the original gratitude was expressed.

The only drawback to this exercise?  It took 10 minutes away from my normal daily routine.  

Not much of a drawback, is it?

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Day 2 – Date with Dad


When I asked my children what they would want to do if given the choice of anything they could do today, their opinions differed, but only just.

The youngest originally wanted to go to his favorite park and see if the slide was made faster by our recent snowfall.  The next oldest wanted to play one of our favorite games, which I mentioned earlier, capture-the-flag.  The oldest one (left in the house, anyway, since the oldest is in boot camp), well, she would have rather done anything that got her out of dish duty today.

After getting ready for the day and heading out to caffeinate ourselves (not the kids; just my wife and I – I’m not that crazy), we decided to take a detour.  We drove down to the river beach after seeing how much of an ice shelf was down there, and there we were, my youngest in slippers and the rest of us not much better off, tossing rocks onto the shelf to see how far we could get them to slide. Continue reading “Day 2 – Date with Dad” →

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