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Josh Misner, PhD

Mindful Living in a Distracted World

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Josh "Dr. J" Misner

Mindfulness researcher, communication professor, Choctaw native, author of Put the F**king Phone Down

Are We Oversimplifying the Problem?

An oft-cited statistic in today’s media is that, according to the U.S. Census Bureau, there are more than 24 million children in the United States without a father.
Children without fathers in their lives are four times more likely to grow up in poverty, more likely to engage in criminal behavior, less likely to succeed in school, and more likely to experience depression, anxiety, and other forms of mental illness.
The statistics are staggering. We are facing a father absence epidemic that inevitably will negatively impact our future generations, but are these statistics implying an oversimplified solution? Is the solution to society’s ills as easy as stating that fathers remain a part of their children’s lives, even when they cannot stay in the home, as in cases of divorce or separation? The numbers suggest the answer to this question is yes, but I argue that this only ignores the complexity of the problem.
Yes, 24 million children have no father physically present in their lives, which implies that the other 50 million children do, and when we combine those numbers with the ones that correlate to health, wealth, and wellbeing, it can mislead us into believing those 50 million children are safe.
But are they? Continue reading “Are We Oversimplifying the Problem?” →
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How I Reprogrammed my Clock

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I’m sure that anyone who has ever had a child can identify with this set of stories.  What I’m hoping is, that by the end, more of you will instead, identify with the transformation than the routine.

Huh?

Let me explain…

So, you’re a new parent.  You bring your bundle of joy home for the first time, nervously buckling the fragile, tiny, squirming ornament into the carseat for the first time.  When you get home, you introduce her to her new room, her bassinet or crib, and cuddle for hours on end, gazing into her eyes, seeing a reflection of yourself and your future in her eyes.

Everything is wonderful. 

Everything is beautiful.

Then, the floor drops out from under you, and the “new parent high” crashes.  It’s 3:00 a.m.  She’s crying.

Again.

You groggily make your way back to her for the umpteenth time.  What is it this time?  Diaper?  Hungry?  Lonely?  Just trying to irritate me and introduce me to the next 18 years of payback for what a horrible child I was? Continue reading “How I Reprogrammed my Clock” →

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Two little sentences


Not a full-on post, but an important note, nonetheless…
Today, I had the pleasure of spending most of the day with my youngest, who just turned six on Friday. We didn’t do anything I would consider all that consequential – jumped on the trampoline, watched “World’s Deadliest Spiders” three times, pretended we were spiders on the trampoline, and then hunted for spiders in the yard.

At the end of the day, as we reclined on the sofa together, watching the creepy arachnid special just one more time, he snuggled his head into the base of my neck and uttered two sentences that utterly floored me:

“You’re the best daddy I could ever ask for. I love spending time with you.”

It wasn’t what we spent time doing together; it was how we spent it and that we were doing it as a team.

Mindfulness requires us to want to be present. Wanting to be present, even when there is something that seems more pressing, is not easy, but can be attained with practice.

The payoff for this mindful presence is impressive, and that one little moment is enough to brink a smile to even the darkest day for me.

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Fatherhood just got real

It should come as no surprise, to those who even barely know me, to learn that, at my house, Star Wars is practically a way of life.  This also means that Lego Star Wars is a daily topic for conversation, especially with the recent Cartoon Network Lego Star Wars special episodes that have become a staple of our viewing habits.

For Fathers Day, Lego put together a stop-motion animation video, celebrating the joys of fatherhood, depicting Vader and Luke engaged in various activities together.  Take a look for yourself:

This morning, I excitedly rounded up the two little ones and showed them this masterpiece.  They enjoyed it and watched it a few more times before I settled in to get some grading done.

Then, it got quiet.  Too quiet.  Anyone with children knows the dangers that serenity foreshadows.

My daughter came into the room and said, “Parker’s in his room crying, Dad.”

Uh-oh…

My first response was, “What did you do to your brother?”

“Nothing!  I don’t know why he’s crying!”

Yeah, right.

I put the computer down and went in to his room, expecting to play referee and call a foul on my daughter for having taken things too far.

Nope.

He was curled up in the fetal position, pillow over his head, sobbing great, big, sloppy ones.  “Hey, buddy, what’s wrong?”  As soon as I asked, he started crying even harder, but wouldn’t answer me.  I pried and prodded, but still, nothing.  No answers, just more tears.

I picked him up and held him close.  I sang our favorite song (Hush Little Digger), rubbed his back, and reassured him that everything was okay, but still, he cried.  I asked why again, and he finally responded with a sobbing, “I d-d-d-don’t know!”

Hmm…

I asked if he hurt himself.  Nope.  I asked if he had a headache, since his molars are coming in, after all.  Nada.  Finally, I asked if there was something making him sad.

Bingo.

On a hunch, I asked him if it was the Lego Star Wars video, to which he replied, “Y-y-y-y-essss!”

Putting it all together, I recognized what was happening.  I asked him if it was because, in the end of the video (I hope you watched it by now, or else this is a spoiler), Luke leaves and Vader sheds a Sith tear.  Yep—nailed it.  I then spent the next fifteen minutes or so reassuring him that I wasn’t going anywhere, and neither was he.

What blew me away was the depth of this five year-old boy’s sensitivity.  Children this young *get* a lot more than we, as adults, ever give them credit for, and for him to recognize from this brief video the pain of separation is a testament to our bond as father and child.

I am one heck of a blessed guy this Fathers Day.

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Little, soon forgotten charities

 
“The happiness of life is made up of minute fractions – the little, soon forgotten charities of a kiss or a smile, a kind look or heartfelt compliment.”
—Samuel Taylor Coleridge


I’ve caught myself on quite a few occasions overdoing my role as a parent.  I’ve often thought about the fact that I want to give my children the world, wrapped up in an Amazon.com box and tie it off with a pretty pink bow.  

Several years back, my youngest daughter fell in love with a gilded toy carousel she saw on the Christmas shelf at a local store, so what did I do?  I went back later and bought it for her, despite the $100 price tag, and later on, I surprised her with it, relishing in the shock on her face and the subsequent death-grip hug I soon found myself in.  I was on top of the world.  My wallet had brought my daughter boundless and unconditional happiness.

What I wasn’t prepared for was what happened next. Continue reading “Little, soon forgotten charities” →

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Opening our Children to the World

As I was digesting published literature by the pound in preparation for writing my dissertation, I ran across some pretty compelling information on parenting.  Some of it was shocking, like how father absence is on the rise or how negatively children are affected by the lack of a father figure’s presence in their lives.  Other information was fascinating because it went against everything I would have expected.

One of the most interesting concepts was from a study that observed the way fathers interact with their children nonverbally—specifically, how they physically position their bodies in relation to their children.  Now, bear with me here, because, as I observed this in my own life, I realized just how true it really is!

There is an intriguing concept called “interactional synchrony,” which is a fancy way of stating that, when a relationship is going well, we tend to mirror one another, but when it is not going well, we tend to avoid mirroring.  In other words, if that first date is going well, maybe when you put your hands on the table, she will do the same, but if it isn’t, then she’ll cross her arms instead.

Makes sense, right?  Salespeople are often trained to do this, because it can actually influence the way an interaction is going, regardless of what is being discussed. Continue reading “Opening our Children to the World” →

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